How do I start this off? Do I introduce myself and tell you everything about me, or do I keep it to a minimum?
Aaand that's when I remember: I never keep it to a minimum, because I am a serial over-explainer (I don't think that's a word, but I digress...). I feel the need to constantly check what I'm saying because I am hyper-aware of hurting someone's feelings, or care what they may assume of me if I just SAY something and leave it (god forbid!). Usually this ends in an awkward silence and the other person walks away, or changes the subject... that or one of my friends will say "Lucy, you're doing it again...".
I KNOW I AM!
That's the annoying thing. You know when you know you're being annoying, and you need to shut up, because even if [maybe] you're not meaning to annoy someone, you just keep doing it and doing it and saying this, and that, and then the whole world has it's head in it's hands because FOR FUCK SAKE JUST SHUT UP!
Yeah, this is what it's like in my head.
There was no great epiphany or resolution, but since turning 25 I have put considerable effort in to not caring what people think. Just doing it anyway because, well, in the long run: who actually cares? Are they going to be there in 10 years? Is it someone I actually want in my life? Do I value their opinion? I'll over explain or reply to their text anyway, just so they don't get offended.
Because I get offended. I hate it when people don't reply to my messages, especially if they've seen it- and obviously they have because who doesn't have their phone in their hand constantly anymore? Probably quite a few, but I am not one of those people. I will put my phone down and I will say to myself, "they're just busy, they are asleep or they have a million things on, I don't care anyway. I can do other things. Yeah. I'm doing it now. I'm not playing on my phone."
It's not really all that funny. It's sad. It's sad that I feel the need to share my day or pictures with the world. I don't remember what I did before- how did I cope?
It's a comfort thing, sometimes. I look back and I know that actually, it was a lifeline at one point. When I'm low and I'm lonely, it's that access to the rest of the world. I've made many a friendship over the internet, with like-minded people who like the same music, or have the same kind of situation I have.
I became a mother when I was 17, and honestly, when I meet a 17 year old girl who I can imagine is just as clueless as I must have been- I think 'God, who the hell let me have a child?' I barely knew myself. I still don't. Mainly because all I've ever known is how to be a mum- and believe me, I'm still figuring that bit out too.
I wanted to be a mum so badly, from when I can remember. When everyone else wanted to be doctors, or singers, or actors, or vets- I wanted to be a mum. Who knew the cost of that, then? I can't remember ever thinking something might go wrong, because why would it? People just got together, and had kids, didn't they? So when it finally happened, and shit hit the fan... I realised how much I didn't know. How much my parents did know. It took losing my son to understand, and suddenly having this tiny human being that I was responsible for. I took it seriously. I have put my son first, and through everything he has been my focus. I am not a motivated person, I'm not a go-getter, or one of those academic types; but with him? I worked (and still work) my ass off, I was very lucky to have parents who supported me and looked after Harry while I did so, and I saved up for my house. I passed my driving test. I wash us both, and feed us. I keep going. I feel lucky to have been able to do what I've done, but it's not without countless hours of worrying and errors along the way. I grew up, but not in the way a lot of people did.
Maybe that's why I'm a bit naive, and I have such a bad judge of character. I'm immature in some ways. I over-share. I'm sensitive, emotional. I get attached. Where everyone else's brain says "it doesn't matter", mine is over-thinking and anxious. I give a lot of time and effort in to people, when maybe I should just focus on me.
On the other hand, though? Maybe they're not such bad traits. Maybe I don't want to become bitter, or have the world de-sensitise me. I love seeing the good in people, but it does come at a price. I can be taken advantage of, simply because I don't want to believe they could be capable of ruining my trust.
Is that really a terrible thing though? Is it such a bad trait to have, to be able to look at someone at face value and take them as they appear to be; to give them a chance at being better than they've been? I don't think so. If anything, me giving them that chance, and them fucking it up, is more of a reflection on them, and not me. Saying that though, I have been known to take other people's views on someone as my own. If I've asked for an opinion, or how they know them and I've let it cloud my own judgment. But it's generally been backed up by a gut instinct.
If I feel like something isn't right, I will press. I will let it concern me. It's only now that I'm realising, actually, a few times where I've been in a situation where I've not felt good about how someone is treating me or acting with me, I've been right. I've been right to press on them until they finally tell me the truth. They've just been leading me a merry dance while they're trying to get the guts to tell me what they want. Or what they don't want.
Generally, I live on the basis of 'don't be a dick'; don't be unnecessarily mean just because. Be too nice. Be kind. Be the smile that lifts someone.
